On Developing Relationship Skills

I know that relationship skills can be developed because I have done it and I am still doing it in my own life.  According to David Maister about two-thirds of his audience at a recent management conference agreed with me.  The remaining third apparently believed they were inborn.  This post is in response to questions he posed on his blog.

Social skills never came easily to me.  I was one of those loner children who spoke too loud and perpetually said the wrong thing.  Eventually I realized that all the good intentions in the world didn’t matter – if I wanted friends, or even productive partnerships on school projects, I had to change my behavior.

In high-school and college I read and I practiced.  I read books about personality types and personal interactions, internalizing the information although rarely trying to directly apply it to real life.  I also deliberately put myself in situations where I needed to interact with others so that I could practice and improve and sometimes learn from my failures.  I learned to pause and spend more time thinking before I spoke, not always, but more often. 

I never received any formal training, either then or after I entered the corporate world, but my education continues.  I work in an environment where questions are encouraged and my managers and relationship-savvy coworkers will add explanations to interactions I observed, as long as I am willing to ask.  I read blog posts across the web for stories, opinions, and tips.

David says that it was pointed out that relationship skills ultimately depend on value and attitudes, a concept I’d not considered before.  The most important one I could think of is the belief that another person’s point of view is important and valid.  No matter how many tricks a person uses, this idea would be behind most successful relationships.  I do not believe that this is a teachable point, but something each individual grows to believe on their own.

An organization can expose its employees to many different viewpoints, such as the line workers, the customers, the marketers, and so forth, in order to foster this belief, but cannot convince anyone to believe that they matter except as it pertains to their own self-interest. 

They can’t train attitudes, but they can train actions.  Many simple routine things can help with relationship building, from listening to consistent follow up, and these skills can be developed by organizations in willing individuals.

I may never be mistaken for a “relationship person,” but I do have productive professional relationships with people inside and outside of my company.  Many of the skills I’ve learned I don’t need to think about any more, I just use them as part of my daily life, whether at work or with friends and family.

Note: Originally published on November 7, 2007 on a previous blog.